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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

David Letterman

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

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" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

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" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "

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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

David Letterman

" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

David Letterman

" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

David Letterman

" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

David Letterman

" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

David Letterman