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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
David Letterman
Wherever
Great
Land
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" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
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Now
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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "
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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
David Letterman
Position
Genius
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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "
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Unconscious
Just
Trying
" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
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Plan
Daughter
Brand
" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "
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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
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Three
People
Survey
" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
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Thinking
Paris
Know
" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
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New York
You
Remember
" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
David Letterman
Who
Those
Wrong
" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
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Happiness
Bring
Doing
" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
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American
War
Thinking
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
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Name
Doing
Republican
" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
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President
Silent
Been
" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "
David Letterman
Off
President
Wind
" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
David Letterman
Importance
Next
Pull
" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "
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Traffic
New
New York
" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
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Health
Man
Good
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
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Fun
Years
Transition
" Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. "
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Mind
Paris
Now
" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
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Run
Body
Fact
" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
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Say
Bad
Good
" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
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Party
You
Body
" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "
David Letterman
Had
Face
Boy