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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "
David Letterman
Race
Will
Enter
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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "
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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "
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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "
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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
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Now
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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "
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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
David Letterman
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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
David Letterman
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Next
Pull
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
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Enjoy
Man
Woman
" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
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Genius
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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
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You
Body
" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "
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Traffic
New
New York
" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "
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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
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Wherever
Great
Land
" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "
David Letterman
Fun
Years
Transition
" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
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Last
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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "
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You
" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
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Run
Body
Fact
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
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Name
Doing
Republican
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
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Home
God
Love
" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
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Anything
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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
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Thought
Water
Weather