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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
David Letterman
Three
People
Survey
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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
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" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
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" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "
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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "
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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
David Letterman
American
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Thinking
" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "
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Now
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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "
David Letterman
Thinking
Paris
Know
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
David Letterman
Name
Doing
Republican
" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "
David Letterman
Run
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Fact
" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
David Letterman
Importance
Next
Pull
" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
David Letterman
President
Silent
Been
" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
David Letterman
Last
God
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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
David Letterman
Home
God
Love
" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
David Letterman
Worth
Anything
Doing
" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "
David Letterman
You
Saying
Know
" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
David Letterman
Defeated
Good
News
" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
David Letterman
New York
You
Remember
" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
David Letterman
Thought
Water
Weather
" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
David Letterman
Party
You
Body
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
David Letterman
Talk
Sing
Dance
" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "
David Letterman
Know
Giving
You
" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
David Letterman
Like
Accounting
Business
" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
David Letterman
Know
Courage
Believe
" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "
David Letterman
American
Am
Believe
" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "
David Letterman
Say
True
Strangers
" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "
David Letterman
You
Spring
Forward
" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "
David Letterman
Unconscious
Just
Trying
" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
David Letterman
Health
Man
Good
" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "
David Letterman
Race
Will
Enter
" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
David Letterman
Wherever
Great
Land