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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

David Letterman

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" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "

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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

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" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "

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" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "

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" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

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" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

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" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "

David Letterman

" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

David Letterman

" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

David Letterman

" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

David Letterman