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" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

Jerry Seinfeld

You

I Am

Doing

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" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

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" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Years

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" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Joke

Play

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "