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" I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. "
David Letterman
American
Am
Believe
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" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "
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" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "
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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "
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" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "
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" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "
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" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "
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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "
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" I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. "
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Bring
Doing
" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "
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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "
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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "
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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "
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Importance
Next
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" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "
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" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "
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Party
You
Body
" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "
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Unconscious
Just
Trying
" For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. "
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Home
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Love
" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "
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Worth
Anything
Doing
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
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Talk
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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "
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Traffic
New
New York
" Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? "
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Last
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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "
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Know
Giving
You
" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "
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Bad
Good
" There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. "
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Enjoy
Man
Woman
" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "
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Who
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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "
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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "
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" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "
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Debate
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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "
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New York
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" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "
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