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" Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. "

David Letterman

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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

David Letterman

" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

David Letterman

" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

David Letterman

" The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. "

David Letterman

" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

David Letterman

" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

David Letterman

" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

David Letterman

" We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. "

David Letterman

" The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. "

David Letterman

" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

David Letterman

" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

David Letterman

" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. "

David Letterman

" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

David Letterman

" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

David Letterman

" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

David Letterman

" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

David Letterman

" As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. "

David Letterman

" A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. "

David Letterman

" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

David Letterman

" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

David Letterman

" Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. "

David Letterman

" New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "

David Letterman

" No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. "

David Letterman

" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

David Letterman

" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

David Letterman

" President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. "

David Letterman

" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

David Letterman

" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

David Letterman

" There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. "

David Letterman