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" President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? "

David Letterman

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" I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. "

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" USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. "

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" Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. "

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" The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. "

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" Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. "

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" I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. "

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" Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. "

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" It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. "

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" I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. "

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" People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. "

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" Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. "

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" We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. "

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" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

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" There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. "

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" Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. "

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" Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. "

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" Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. "

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" Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? "

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" If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover. "

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" Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. "

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" New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. "

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" It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? "

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" The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. "

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" We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. "

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" There is no off position on the genius switch. "

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