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" We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. "
W. H. Auden
Funny
Earth
Know
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" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "
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" I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. "
Simon Sinek
Find
Funny
Life
" I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. "
Nick Cave
Miss
People
Think
" I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it. "
Ze Frank
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Day
" Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. "
George Lopez
Relative
Funny
Nice
" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Finish
Go
" Between friends differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality. "
W. H. Auden
Friends
Differences
Opinion
" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "
Mitch Hedberg
Whistle
Because
Funny
" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fat
Only
Funny
" I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and that has its problems. And then I'll go out with the funny guy. It's almost like the funny guy has more to prove. "
Jennifer Coolidge
Funny
Go
Good-Looking
" Art is born of humiliation. "
W. H. Auden
Art
Humiliation
Born
" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "
Lucille Ball
Children
You
See
" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "
Jerry Seinfeld
Take
Want
Anything
" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Need
Entertained
You
" What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. "
Christopher Fry
Clean
More
Only
" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "
James Thurber
You
Wrong
Funny
" I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good. "
Eric Andre
Die
Funny
Think
" Of all possible subjects, travel is the most difficult for an artist, as it is the easiest for a journalist. "
W. H. Auden
Travel
Possible
Difficult
" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "
Kevin Hart
Funny
Friends
People
" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "
Milton Berle
You
Looking
Laugh
" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
Steven Wright
Thesaurus
Funny
Another
" I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. "
Kristen Stewart
Work
Funny
Talent
" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Pickle
Been
Funny
" No poet or novelist wishes he were the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. "
W. H. Auden
Wishes
Wish
Lived
" Sob, heavy world Sob as you spin, Mantled in mist Remote from the happy. "
W. H. Auden
Mist
Happy
Heavy
" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "
Jeff Garlin
True
People
Treat
" 'Copper' is my first period piece. It's funny because I've been doing a lot of episodes of 'Elementary' with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu; they keep bringing me back on the show, and so I go from being an outstanding black doctor to being a kind of hood, ex-car thief who went through rehab in 'Elementary.' "
Ato Essandoh
Funny
Doctor
Black
" A word to the wise is infuriating. "
Hunter S. Thompson
Word
Wise
Funny
" Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. "
W. H. Auden
I Can
Love
Me
" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "
Charles M. Schulz
New
Going
Philosophy