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" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

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" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

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" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" You write about what you know. "

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" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

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" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

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" I'm cranky. "

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" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy. "

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" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "