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" You write about what you know. "

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" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "