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" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

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" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "