Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

Related Quotes:

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "