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" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

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" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Live

Listen

Sound

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Look

Humor

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Live

Movement

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Joke

Play

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Laugh

You

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Years

Well

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Proud

New

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "