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" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

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" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "