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" When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.' "

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" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

" I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. "

" A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. "

" Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue. "

" If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't. "

" If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are. "

" When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. "

" I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" Perception is created and twisted so quickly. "

" People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. "

" I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that. "

" Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. "

" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. "

" I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum. "

" There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?' "