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" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

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" I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. "

" I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much. "

" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" It's funny: the one time I got star-struck was when I met Snoop Dogg. I gave him a hug and said, 'I love you, man.' "

" I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers. "

" I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious. "

" I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? "

" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "

" There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. "

" There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny. "

" I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. "

" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. "

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "