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" Be obscure clearly. "

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Logan Pearsall Smith

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car. "

" One picture is worth 1,000 denials. "

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" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "

Robert Benchley

" Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. "

Henry Kissinger

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones. "

" It's so funny because I listen to songs that I recorded that I didn't really know anything about at the time. Later on I'm starting to feel the songs. Sing them first, feel them later. "

" You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't. "

Garry Shandling

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I don't follow anything blindly. I have to know the entire thing, if I have to get in to it. It might sound funny to you, but it's like using English language. I use an English word only when I know its meaning and understand its connotation. You won't hear me say, 'What's up, dude' or anything like that just for the heck of it. "

" I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. "

Paula Poundstone

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny, and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me. "

" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "

" He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "