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" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

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" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "