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" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

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" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "