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" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "
Emo Philips
Good
Happened
Days
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" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "
Emo Philips
Jump
Run
Love
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
Emo Philips
Watch
Children
Down
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
Emo Philips
Leather
Just
Morning
" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "
Emo Philips
You
Because
Devil
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
Emo Philips
Alone
Thanks
Sleeping
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
Emo Philips
Me
Girlfriend
You
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
Emo Philips
Thought
Feel
Walking
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
Emo Philips
Women
Costume
Dress
" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "
Emo Philips
Bet
Great
Lover
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
Emo Philips
Return
German
Actually
" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "
Emo Philips
Take
You
Know
" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "
Emo Philips
Well
Day
Got
" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "
Emo Philips
Men
Know
Real
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
Emo Philips
Stand
Because
Better
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
Emo Philips
Good
Life
Day
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
Emo Philips
Always
You
Well
" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "
Emo Philips
Like
Office
Understand
" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "
Emo Philips
Disaster
Never
Smile
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
Emo Philips
Ask
You
Well
" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
Emo Philips
Lady
Miles
Today
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "
Emo Philips
Bicycle
Me
Forgiveness
" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "
Emo Philips
Reason
Myself
Limit
" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "
Emo Philips
Life
Day
Family
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "
Emo Philips
Wake Up
Coffee
Hot
" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
Emo Philips
Nursing
Beer
Quite