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" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

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" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "