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" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

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" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "