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" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

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" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "