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" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
Emo Philips
Lady
Miles
Today
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" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
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" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "
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" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "
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" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "
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" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "
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" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
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Me
Girlfriend
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" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
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Nursing
Beer
Quite
" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "
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" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "
Emo Philips
Bet
Great
Lover
" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "
Emo Philips
Jokes
Safe
British
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
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Ask
You
Well
" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "
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Remember
Words
Who
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
Emo Philips
Good
Life
Day
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
Emo Philips
Alone
Thanks
Sleeping
" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "
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Head
You
Way
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
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People
How
Here
" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "
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Other
Night
Bar
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
Emo Philips
Return
German
Actually
" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "
Emo Philips
Sorry
You
Time
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
Emo Philips
Women
Costume
Dress
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
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Stand
Because
Better
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
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Always
You
Well
" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "
Emo Philips
Good
Happened
Days
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
Emo Philips
Thought
Feel
Walking
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man