Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

Emo Philips

Men

Know

Real

Related Quotes:

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

Emo Philips

Bicycle

Forgiveness

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

Emo Philips

Door

Kid

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

Emo Philips

Hoping

Gum

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

Emo Philips

Office

Understand

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

Emo Philips

Girlfriend

You

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "