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" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

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" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "