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" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

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" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "