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" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

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" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "