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" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "
" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "
" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "
" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "
" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "
" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "