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" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

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" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "