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" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

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" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

" You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm. "

Guillermo del Toro

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. "

" Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. "

" Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

" Every man has a sane spot somewhere. "

Robert Louis Stevenson

" I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. "

" I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. "

" I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows. "

" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "

" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "

" I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. "

" Even Napoleon had his Watergate. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "

Laurence J. Peter

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny. "