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" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

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" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "