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" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

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" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "