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" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

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" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" I like definitive things. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "