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" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "
Emo Philips
Him
Large
Lost
Related Quotes:
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
Emo Philips
Leather
Just
Morning
" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "
Emo Philips
Life
Day
Family
" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "
Emo Philips
Hello
Therapy
Well
" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "
Emo Philips
Reason
Myself
Limit
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
Emo Philips
Some
You
Guns
" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "
Emo Philips
You
Because
Devil
" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "
Emo Philips
Jokes
Safe
British
" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "
Emo Philips
Jump
Run
Love
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
Emo Philips
Good
Life
Day
" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "
Emo Philips
Computers
Kick
Me
" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "
Emo Philips
Good
Happened
Days
" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "
Emo Philips
Well
Day
Got
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come
" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "
Emo Philips
Remember
Words
Who
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
Emo Philips
People
How
Here
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
Emo Philips
Thought
Feel
Walking
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
Emo Philips
Return
German
Actually
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
Emo Philips
Watch
Children
Down
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "
Emo Philips
Take
You
Know
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "
Emo Philips
Bicycle
Me
Forgiveness
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
Emo Philips
Me
Girlfriend
You
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
Emo Philips
Ask
You
Well
" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "
Emo Philips
Sorry
You
Time
" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "
Emo Philips
Head
You
Way
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
Emo Philips
Always
You
Well
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
Emo Philips
Women
Costume
Dress