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" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

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" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

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" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

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" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

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" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

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" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

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" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "