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" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

Emo Philips

Good

Life

Day

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Gum

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

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" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

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Forgiveness

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

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" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

Emo Philips

Computers

Kick

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "

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" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

Emo Philips

Concerned

Come

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

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" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

Emo Philips

Girlfriend

You

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "