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" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

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" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "