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" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
Related Quotes:
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
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Ask
You
Well
" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "
Emo Philips
Him
Large
Lost
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come
" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "
Emo Philips
Like
Office
Understand
" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
Emo Philips
Nursing
Beer
Quite
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
Emo Philips
Me
Girlfriend
You
" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "
Emo Philips
Wake Up
Coffee
Hot
" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "
Emo Philips
Hello
Therapy
Well
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "
Emo Philips
Bicycle
Me
Forgiveness
" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "
Emo Philips
Computers
Kick
Me
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
Emo Philips
Return
German
Actually
" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "
Emo Philips
Good
Happened
Days
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
Emo Philips
People
How
Here
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
Emo Philips
Thought
Feel
Walking
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
Emo Philips
Alone
Thanks
Sleeping
" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "
Emo Philips
Head
You
Way
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
Emo Philips
Women
Costume
Dress
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
Emo Philips
Stand
Because
Better
" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "
Emo Philips
Disaster
Never
Smile
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
Emo Philips
Watch
Children
Down
" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "
Emo Philips
Life
Day
Family
" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "
Emo Philips
Jokes
Safe
British
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
Emo Philips
Leather
Just
Morning
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
Emo Philips
Good
Life
Day
" You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. "
Emo Philips
Take
You
Know
" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "
Emo Philips
Jump
Run
Love
" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
Emo Philips
Lady
Miles
Today
" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
Emo Philips
Some
You
Guns