Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

Related Quotes:

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "

" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "

" Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "