Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

Related Quotes:

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "