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" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

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" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "