Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

Related Quotes:

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "