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" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

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" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

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" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

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