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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "
Mitch Hedberg
Got
Always
Sick
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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "
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" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "
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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
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" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "
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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
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" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
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" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "
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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
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Pyramid
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" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "
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People
Now
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" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "
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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
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Stocking
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" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
Mitch Hedberg
Depressing
Tennis
Never
" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
Mitch Hedberg
Good
Wasting Time
Why
" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
Mitch Hedberg
Combination
Think
Soccer
" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
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Really
Cool
Hippopotamus
" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
Mitch Hedberg
Brain
Free
Me
" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
Mitch Hedberg
Like
Waffle
Trap
" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
Mitch Hedberg
Run
You
My Own
" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
Mitch Hedberg
I Wish
Better
Now
" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
Mitch Hedberg
Look
Know
I Can
" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
Mitch Hedberg
Want
Late
Know
" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
Mitch Hedberg
Someone
Women
Who
" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "
Mitch Hedberg
Cube
Up
Night
" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
Mitch Hedberg
Against
Show
Know
" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
Mitch Hedberg
Cake
Birthday
Buy
" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "
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Children
Book
Every
" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
Mitch Hedberg
Think
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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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Work
Bubble
Back
" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "
Mitch Hedberg
Last
You
Time
" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
Mitch Hedberg
Halfway
Live
Never