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" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

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" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "