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" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

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" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

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" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

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" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "