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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
Mitch Hedberg
Four
Cart
Good
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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
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" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "
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" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "
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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
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" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "
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" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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